Thinking about friends. People I don't really know anymore. So much time has passed. Thinking about my relationship toward people. Insecure and anxious. I like the thought of gathering together with others, but when the time comes, I get overwhelmed. Thoughts of being judged and having to prove myself always fill my mind. People eventually give up on someone like me. How many times do you invite someone, who doesn't show, before you stop inviting them? Alone. I'm afraid of being alone, in the end. Yet, I can't bring myself to join the others gathering together. God help me.
When I really get down to it, I realize I am so consumed with myself. It's all about me, and how I will be perceived. I care more about how I look to other people, then focusing on who God is. Who He says I am, doesn't seem to matter, in comparison to who man says I am. I think I'm doing better, but then I'm filled with those familiar feelings again.
"Against You, You only, have I sinned. and done this evil in Your sight--" Psalm 51:4 A beautiful dear friend of mine shares this scripture often. The judgment of others, doesn't matter. Only before God have I done wrong. The same goes for my judgments against others. What they say and do is before God, not me. And really, who am I to judge? (judge not, that you be not judged. for with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." matt 7:1-2) God help me. Psalm 51 is spoken by David, who killed a man in order to take the man's wife. His sin was not against the man he killed, or the woman he took.... it was against God alone!!
I sense this pressure to be a certain way in the christian community, to perform, be spiritual enough, so that people will be accepting. This may be pressure I put on myself...or there may be something to it. Would there be a need for scriptures like Matthew 7:1&2 if people didn't set a standard for others, according to their opinion. God has set a standard, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself, and that standard is where I want to live. I will never meet others expectations, so why do I continue to strive after them?
Accepted by the Beloved. Adopted by the Father. Grafted in to the family. One God, One body. I pray for this continued revelation. I am a part of the body. Regardless of what people think of me. There is a place for me. When I'm not in that place, the body is lacking. It's not about me, it's about Him! Whether I like people, or they like me...it doesn't matter, it's all about Him. God help me. Getting over myself, today. One step closer. Thank you God for your patience, grace, mercy...thank you... for You alone...
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It is so freeing to not worry what 'other's think, to live in God's love and listen to His Holy Spirit, dwelling in you. I find it gets more 'fun' the more I'm confident in God and in who He has made me, perfect in His eyes. Still learning this path....but it's getting fun as I stretch and grow. Now I'm learning to dance (word picture, as well as, a fun thing when me and my kids are home together). I enjoyed your sharing....and I learned something once from a wise woman....most people are more worried about themselves, so if you reach out to them - you'll make them feel loved. I used this in speaking on front of large groups of people, until instead of crying out of fear (in front of large groups of people) I have found it fun. I love you!
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